Having grown up with social media, I’ve had the pleasure of watching the platform evolve from the simple days of MSN Messenger and MySpace – both top notch platforms for adolescent flirtation and clique forming – to a global phenomenon that has become an intrinsic part of our everyday lives.

Hand in hand with this evolution however, come the choppy waters of advertising algorithms…

Whilst I have been known to buy the occasional poorly constructed cat toy, or suspiciously cheap piece of jewellery by clicking on social media ads, most of the ones served to me are either completely irrelevant or downright baffling.

After a couple of especially odious adverts appeared on my timeline in quick succession, I began to catalogue them in the hope that they could tell me something about myself. After all, my understanding of these algorithms – as a PR type person – is that they’re specifically tailored to you based on your hobbies, interests, age, sex, or online searches.

Or a combination of the above.

The idea being that you’ll be less infuriated by an advert for anti-ageing cream if you’re past the age of 30, or you’ll be more likely to purchase an illustration of a dog that’s had a stroke if you happened to view a photo of a dog on Google images once.

So, without further ado, here’s what I’ve learned about myself by cataloguing my social media adverts…

 

1. I’ve reached a point in my life where camel toe – or the possibility of it – is what I should be aiming for.

 

A few instantly heinous things about this advert that would prevent me from clicking on it at any time:

• I don’t expect to be scrolling through my Instagram feed and stumble across labia.
• I had been led to believe that the thigh gap was now out of fashion.
• The ad isn’t relatable for someone of average build and average fitness. For starters, I can see this persons abs.
• I’d be interested to know who can wear ultra-sheer knickers with an elasticated waist and find them in any way flattering.

That reminds me, I must invest in some new netting for the conservatory windows. Summer is coming, and we wouldn’t want the cats escaping.

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2. Ordinary tights are no longer effective at keeping my nether regions under control.

Now with added moisture wicking, folks.

Doesn’t bear thinking about to be without it.

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3. I really fucking love cats.

I mean, I really do.

Not just any old cats either. Cats wearing Santa hats.

Not just any old cats wearing Santa hats, either. Cats wearing Santa hats in front of baubles.

Not just cats wearing Santa hats in front of baubles, either. Cats wearing Santa hats, singing Christmas carols in the snow, in front of baubles.

Printed onto fabric.

At 40% off.

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4. I’ve never really shown my husband just how much I love him.

 

Seriously, is it ever enough to just say those words? Especially now we’re living in an age where we rarely print photos, and everything is digitised.

Eleven years together and I haven’t once bought him a pair of socks with our faces on. If an award existed for the worst wife in the world, it would surely have my name engraved on the tiny plaque adorning it.

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5. I’ve given little to no consideration to those using the bathroom after me.

 

Uh-oh. I forgot something.

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6. I don’t have enough cartoon style portraits of myself hanging up in my home.

 

I always wanted simple cartoon in this style.

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7. Same goes for dog cat animal pet cartoon portraits.

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8. I’ve been misusing moisturiser all these years.

 

No-one ever taught me about the benefits of eating the jar whole.

It’s like finding out you’ve been wearing your underpants inside out your entire life.

 

If you like, leave a comment and share some of the life lessons you’ve received from social media advertising.

xAx