I wish to register a complaint…


There’s a universal truth to the fact that social media has revolutionised the way we communicate with each other, giving us a multitude of channels through which to express ourselves, meet new friends, converse with our idols, and pursue opportunities we never thought were possible.

The unfortunate side effect to this, is that it’s given an insurmountable number of arseholes a soapbox.

Anyone who’s ever worked in customer service will have heard the age-old expression, ‘The customer is always right.’

But what if the customer is in fact an idiot?

What then?

What recourse is there for those of us at the front line, battling the daily complaints of people for whom a broken biscuit is equivalent to their grandmother being slowly fed through a mincer, and then delivered to their front door in a gift-wrapped box sent via second class post. Using Royal Mail.

I thought it might be interesting to explore some of these complaints in more detail.



fish fingers - birds eye

There are a few key words and phrases one might object to here. The first being ‘wouldn’t usually complain.’ Come, come now Moony lad. We both know this is a scandalous lie.

The second being ‘have to’ when referring to the purchase of a new box. We can only wonder why Moony needs to make up the numbers. Perhaps there’s a fish finger fort somewhere out there, missing its roof.


McVities - missing chocolate

I know some of you are probably shaking your head in disbelief at the sight of this haphazardly coated chocolate digestive, but fear not. There are literally dozens, if not hundreds of packets of chocolate biscuits all over the country to make up for this lack of coating.

It might seem bad right now Ayesha but believe me, it gets better. With time, it gets better.



McVities - missing Rocky Road

Betting every single one of you a fiver that the missing Rocky Road Square is slowly melting between two of Kate’s couch cushions, or being quietly digested by a mischievous Beagle (who’s simultaneously waiting in quiet anticipation for the delivery of a brand-new packet of Moments…).



missing crumpets - warburtons

Here’s to all those unwitting shoppers who’ve lost the ability to look through transparent plastic packaging before making their purchase.



small bread

Large slice of bread or small piece of cheese? It’s difficult to tell from this picture (believe me, I’ve tried), but it might be worth our Dave investing in a bread maker. I don’t know about you guys, but I never would have made the connection between a ‘small loaf’ and ‘small slices’ of bread. They should really put warnings on these things.



Goodfella's Pizza - low lactose or no lactose

Brand: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I’d like to complain about this sugar free juice drink.”

Brand: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. How can we help?”

Customer: “Well, I only saw the word sugar, so I purchased this item under the grave misapprehension that I’d picked up a Mars Bar. I want a refund…”

Brand: “…”


If you see any examples of non-complaints or ‘first world problems’ you’d like to share, you can email them to mouthalmightyblog@gmail.com.



Author: Alyssa

PR professional. Comedy enthusiast and cat lady.

2 thoughts

    1. I work in retail, sometimes customers wander in, and through no fault of their own, dont have a clue what they are doing there? If they eventually do make a purchase, they often return it the following day! They also bring things back after many months (after paying a whole £10) expecting refunds (without a receipt) and are flabbergasted when they dont get what they want! This is factual.

      Liked by 1 person

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